


Le fantôme de vous

by DrCHolmesLecter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Based on a Tumblr Post, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Memory Alteration, Not Beta Read, Prompt Fill, Steve Angst, Steve Feels, Steve Has Issues, Steve Rogers Feels, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-07 04:54:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1115760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrCHolmesLecter/pseuds/DrCHolmesLecter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alive and well, what good is that if you barely remember your actual life?</p><p>[ Loosely based on this Tumblr prompt: http://frostshield-is-my-otp.tumblr.com/post/67048238672/you-shouldnt-be-here-im-not-i-can-see ]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Le fantôme de vous

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to try and loosely fill in a tumblr prompt by frostshield-is-my-otp
> 
>  
> 
> [First time writing in a First Person POV]

The man had asked me what I dream of; I said the usual, nightmares, hopes or an alternate life. He asked me about my nightmares, I said the usual. I couldn’t tell him, not anyone. They’ll brush it off as another nightmare; say that it’s normal, nothing strange at all except that it is. Dreaming about the so called god that came and destroyed New York isn’t strange, of course you’ll have nightmares about it, him, them and I would gladly accept that if it was just that but it isn’t. It’s never that easy with him.

 

 

_2 weeks after the Battle of New York_

You think it’ll be easy to just go home after a long day, or be happy once the war is over because that’s all you ever think about, even back then. Every soldier I knew had always spoken about settling down or going home to their family or even setting up their own business because in a place like that you’ll have to think optimistically or else you’ll go crazy. That’s why nobody ever talks about front lines unless orders are being given. That’s why everybody sits by a fire, singing, sharing stories or telling jokes. We all ignore the gunfire, the explosions and the screams from the distance. Kill or be killed is what they always tell us but my emotions tends to get the best of me. Focus, soldier, I keep chanting to myself, focus. Nobody ever talks about their nightmares, the others don’t need it, want it so keep it to yourself, soldier. Keep it to yourself.

 

What happens to those who do make it home? Will they ever manage to settle down? Maybe if they had someone to keep them on their toes, someone to take care of them. Nobody comes home the same man, nobody. The war changes you. Once you go back, sure it’ll be all sunshine and rainbows; you’ve made it back alive after all. But will it last? What if one day you wake up and realize just how much has changed? What if you can’t cope? What do you do then? You go back to being a soldier. You continue to serve the army or become part of the police force because the thrill and the feel of the gun reassure you. It’s what feels normal to you.

 

It’s the reason I joined the Avengers, the reason I fought in that battle, not because I want to be a hero or be part of the team but because it’s the only thing I know how to do. To fight, to protect and do that all over again, just like a clock, waiting till it needs to be replaced.

 

 I’ve visited at least five states of America, getting to know the country as much as I can but even that doesn’t remove my ghastly thoughts at night. Being called by S.H.I.E.L.D for a mission well let’s just say that I took no more than a second for me to comply. Yes, it was strange since Natasha and Clint are usually the ones on a mission together but I needed this, wanted it even.

 

It was obvious they were hiding something from him, he also knew there wasn’t any point of asking because whatever Fury was hiding was going to stay hidden unless he shares the information of some destructive god decides to take it. I would’ve asked Natasha except she’s in it too. The Winter Soldier is what they call him, a deadly assassin who has never failed to kill his targets. Could they really stop him?

 

A familiar feeling dawned on my chest as I left the meeting room, Natasha has stayed behind, Director’s orders, the hallways were empty, and not a single soul was around. I warily looked around, even peeked at some corners but there was nothing but empty spaces. My heart accelerated with every step, my breath becoming heavier with every thump. Why is he here? He’s supposed to be in Asgard, locked up. No. He’s not here. Not here. It’s a daydream, the sleep catching up, nothing more. So why does he look so real? Was his magic really that advanced?

 

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m not.”

“I can see you.”

“Don’t you wonder why you’re the only one?”

Agents had begun to pile up in the hallways, some saying their greetings and the rest just passed by. Nobody paid attention to the god of mischief. Not one. Was the god cloaked with magic? But why would he show himself to me?

 

“What did you do to me?”

A large smile appeared on the god’s face but he never answered my question. “Loki?”

“You will know soon enough, my pet.”

Within a second Loki had disappeared and the world around me began once again. A couple of agents flashed questioning looks at my direction and only then did I realize that I’ve been standing at the middle of the corridor. Was Loki really there? Did he escape, no Thor would’ve known and alerted them but Loki is the trickster, he would’ve found a way.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

It’s hard. I keep thinking that there is something important that I’m forgetting, something that I have to remember no matter what but I’m not allowing myself to do so. Talking to my assigned psychiatrist isn’t helping either, every single time I see him words just gets stuck in my throat. I have so many things to tell but none of it would come out. There are nights I lie in bed and think why I couldn’t speak, why a part of me seems to be swallowed up in darkness. During those times I turn to me left side in this awfully big bed, my hand would unconsciously reach out towards the empty space, smoothing the linen. There are times when this space next to me isn’t empty, the times when a certain god appears with such a peaceful expression on his face.

 

“What are you doing here?”

“Can’t you tell, my pet?”

“Don’t call me that.”

 

Loki turned towards me; a warm smile that I’ve never seen on his face appeared, his eyes gleaming with…mischief?

 

“Then will calling you darling suffice?”

“We…we’re not in that sort of relationship.”

“I suppose not but do you not wonder how much I could corrupt your purity? Do you not wonder what sin feels like?”

 

The god pushed away the papers on my lap, his hands resting against my chest as he seductively licked his thin lips. I shook my head in repulsion, not because of what he’s doing but because of my own want. There’s something else, something important.

 

Loki’s lips hovered just in front my mine, my throat dried up in anticipation. I felt disgusted by the way my body was reacting, the god’s every touch made my skin tingle. It was frustrating not to have any control so I changed that.

 

The silver tongue flashed me a smirk as I pinned him down against the mattress, my head felt fuzzy as he wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me down. His tongue teasingly licked my jaw line as our bodies grinded against one another. My hands roamed his body, exposing the pale body of his as his own cock rose with want. I chuckled right then, I didn’t know why but I did. Everything else after that became fuzzier but it was clearer than anything else, it doesn’t make sense, right? I told myself the same thing, continuously, as I devoured him completely. It was easy to find that sweet spot on his neck, my smile grew wider as I sucked and nipped at the skin whilst Loki ferociously rubbed our cocks together. I would’ve stopped there, the friction alone could’ve gotten me off but it felt like it’s been such a long time.

 

More kisses were exchanged before I plunged myself into him, he screamed in ecstasy as I continued to ram myself into the heat. Every spot of pleasure, I knew where they were, every single one of them but how?

 

“How does it feel to be corrupted by a monster?”

 

I turned my head, watching the moonlight brightly lighting Loki’s handsome face.

 

“You’re not a monster.” I softly whispered as I protectively wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer.

“Even now you are still…”

 

Loki pulled away; his expression during that time was something I never wanted to see again. I silently thanked God that he chose to disappear at that moment.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

I spent most of time writing away, from what the littlest emotion to the severe longing. Loki would appear in my apartment, grocery bags in both hands; I’ll greet him with a peck on the lips and help him carry the things in the kitchen. We would both cook meals and he would watch me eat. I asked him why he doesn’t eat and he easily replies with him not being human and has no need for it but I’ve noticed that he’s lying because even Thor eats a lot. I talk to him about his brother, what the guy is doing and his relationship with Jane, he would pretend to be disgusted and hate it but I see him looking at my sketches of Thor. He would absently trace the lines of my drawing and whispers to himself. I don’t know why he lies but I don’t bother asking, too scared of what will happen if I do but I still should, shouldn’t I?

 

 

The god always disappears, be it after sex or when someone visits, it pisses me off but I could understand. He’s Loki, God of Mischief, a liesmith and an enemy. There were already so many wrong things about our relationship but I can’t give it up not when it gives me serenity and such security. I’ve lost too many people already and I’m not prepared to loose him too. I couldn’t talk to other about this, our secret relationship, they’ll say I’ve been compromised, might even lock me up then what good would I be?

 

 

I didn’t take note of it before but their behaviour was getting stranger and stranger as a certain date approached us, Christmas day. At first I thought everyone was just worried about what present they would get but that wasn’t it, every single agent would be twice as careful with the way they communicated and moved around me, the Avengers, Coulson and Fury were the same. I would give them questioningly looks but would brush it off. It wasn’t just them that were changing towards that date though, my medication was purposely increased during that week without knowing why but I took them without hesitating. Yes, I’m afraid of what would come to the point my meds were changed but I trusted them.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

Tony called, asked me if I was sure that I didn’t want to spend Christmas with them, I assured him that it was the case and the man replied with a booing sound over the phone. My perfectly blank canvas stared at me before I took short glances of the person behind it. Loki fully smiled as our eyes connected, he would pout and deliberately squirm in his seat when I told him to stay still.

 

“Are you done yet, darling?”

 

One line after the other was drawn, the god’s figure taking shape with every stroke I make.

 

“Soon, lovebug but you need to stop squirming if you want me to finish before Christmas.”

“That’s tomorrow…will you not be sleeping?”

“I will when I’m done.”

 

I finished the drawing and fully painted it just an hour before the clock strike twelve. The space beside me dipped as Loki snuggled closer, my arm instantly wrapped around his waist. That morning everything felt out of place. The weather was colder, SHIELD called every two hours, the Avengers called every half an hour and it made me restless. I disconnected the phone line and turned off my mobile after the twentieth call that day, I wanted to spend Christmas in peace, with Loki.

 

My breathing escalated as darkness dawned upon us, I turned on every light bulb and lit up every candle I could find but it was still too dark. My chest felt too tight as it rose up and down, trying to calm me. I gasped for air as Loki pounded on the bathroom door, calm down, I kept telling to myself but the pounding wouldn’t stop. It was too dark. It was too loud.

 

Once the pounding stopped, I hesitantly opened the door; the rooms were still brightly lit except the bedroom. I looked at the clock and tried to focus on it but my head was spinning from the medication. The turkey lay on the table untouched along with other delicacies.

 

“Loki?”

 

I moved around the apartment looking for me secret lover, light bulbs flickered with my every step, temperature dropping. Something stank like hell; it wasn’t the food on the table so I continued to follow the disgusting stench. A figure was lying on the bed, body so still like a mannequin.  

 

“Loki is that you?”

 

I received no response. My hand roamed on the wall, searching for the light switch as the floorboards creaked with every move. It seemed like forever but the light finally turned itself on. The tension on my body disappeared. A breeze went pass me, my body swiftly turned around. Loki’s face greeted me, a small smile on his face.

 

“I’m sorry…I had an episode-”

 

Blood dripped from his chest and I panicked. I didn’t know what was happening, I ripped Loki’s shirt, and buttons flew to different directions as blood covered my hands. I grabbed Loki’s face; my bloodied hands left a mark on both sides of his perfectly handsome face.

 

“Loki? Who did this to you?!”

 

I searched my mind, I didn’t hear anyone entering or leaving or any sort of break in. First call the ambulance then inform the Avengers and SHIELD, they can lock me up all they want but I’m not loosing Loki like this.

 

“Don’t leave me.”

 

I stopped on my tracks and kissed Loki’s forehead, “I’m not, I’m calling to get help.”

 

“LIAR!”

 

My whole body froze on the spot, my heart beating too loudly. When I turned around the god was already just a few centimeters away from my face. I noticed the sunken skin under his eyes, the way everything dried up, cracking as if a piece of glass. His once rosy lips turned grey, his bright green eyes dulled with every passing second.

 

“Loki, let me call for help, we need to find out who did this…” I cringed in pain as I noticed a burning sensation on my arm, his touch burnt my skin and the smell was revolting. My nose cringed in disgust.

 

The god darkly laughed. “You want to know?”

 

I nodded.

 

His grip tightened as he stared at me in the eye. “You did. YOU DID THIS TO ME!”

 

I desperately shook my head, I didn’t do it, believe me, please. I denied everything, tried to prove my innocence but he just laughed and laughed until he looked at my hands. I followed his gaze. A blade that looked like it was out of a fantasy book was firmly inside Loki’s chest, my hand at the handle. Loki coughed once then twice as blood spilled from his mouth. My whole body was shaking except my hands, I swiftly removed the blade from Loki’s chest, the god staring at me with so much disbelief. It was then that the blade dropped on the wooden floor.

 

I grabbed my phone and ran towards the bathroom, blocking the door with everything that I could. My fingers trembled as I waited for my phone to turn on. The pounding and the scratching wouldn’t stop.

 

“Dr. Banner!” Another pound. “Please help me!”

 

“Steve? Where are you?”

 

The voices of the other Avengers were clear on the other end. Another pound. They continued to shout my name.

 

“YOU DID THIS TO ME!”

 

I shook my head side to side. “I didn’t, I swear. I swear!”

 

The voice changed, I knew that voice…Natasha. Another pound. “Nat…Loki, Loki is-”

 

He stood before me with a hole on his body before darkness reigned upon me.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

My heart pounded in my chest as I walked on the corridors of SHIELD’s headquarters. It was a new year but the place was buzzing with people. I’ve always wondered if these people have families and why they would want to work instead of spending the holidays with them. I stopped in my tracks as a certain god appeared; his face seemed a lot warmer than the first time we met.

 

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m not.”

“I can see you.”

“Don’t you wonder why you’re the only one?”

 

I stared at my surroundings, body twisting with my movements. Agents greeted me from all sides but I realized nobody paid attention to the god of mischief.

 

“What did you do to me?”

A large smile appeared on the god’s face but he never answered my question. “Loki?”

“You will know soon enough, my pet.”

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

Valentine’s Day came sooner than expected that year. I always felt a tinge of jealousy from seeing couples everywhere and wondered when I can live like that. So you can understand my excitement when I saw Loki inside my office in SHIELD, a beautiful cake in hand.

 

I quickly shut the door and ran up to him just as he placed the cake down. It felt nice to embrace him in my arms, felt nice that I had someone to protect and someone to go home to. The worry quickly took over my positive feelings as I realized we were in SHIELD headquarters.

 

“Loki how did you get in here?”

 

He smiled at me like I was an idiot, he did it often. Maybe I was, especially for loving an enemy. He certainly thought so, he reminded me every single day since we got together. It only made me love him more, though.

 

“Magic!” He exclaimed with dramatic hand motions.

 

“And the-”

 

“You worry too much, my love.” He kissed my cheek. “No one can see me; I’ve taken care of that.”

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

I dropped the dagger on the floor and fell on my knees in front of my bleeding lover. I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it. I swear. Tears blurred my vision as I fumbled around, grabbing Loki’s body against mine. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

The drawing took a lot longer than I thought; Loki stirred beside me, eyes slowly opening with a lazy smile on his face. I instantly stroked his hair, he moved closer to my body as I hummed a familiar tune. It was that film’s fault and Loki’s.

 

“Let’s watch Enchanted again.”

 

I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at him; we’ve watched the film more than five times this week already. He was strangely attached to it; he often said that Giselle reminded him of me. Obviously I laughed every time he said that and he would counter by saying ‘point proven’ every time I began to sing along. I asked him once who he thought he was in the film and he replied with Larissa, craving power and afraid to loose it to someone else. I told him that he reminded me of Robert, calculating and afraid to love.

 

Loki proceeded to starting the film as I quickly made us breakfast after his constant chanting of ‘hurry up’.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

“You’re in my arms, and all the world is calm. The music playing on for only two. So close together and when I’m with you, so close to feeling alive. A life goes by, romantic dreams will stop so I bid mine goodbye and never knew. So close waiting, waiting here with you and now forever I know, all that I wanted is to hold you~”

 

Loki kissed my cheek and laced our fingers together as he looked up at me, his head on my lap. My heart hammered against my chest as his voice resonated in the room. It was the first time I heard him sing. He usually just hummed along with the music.

 

“So close, so close to reaching that famous happy end. Almost believing that this was not pretend and now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come, so far. We are so close. Oh how could I face the faceless days if I shall loose you now? We’re so close to reaching that famous happy end, almost believe that this was not pretend. Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are so close, so close and still-”

 

I abruptly stop him from singing that last word by bringing him up for a kiss, it was rushed and sloppy with our lips barely aligned. I felt ill knowing the meaning behind the song and I prayed he wouldn’t continue singing after I stopped but his hearing his voice stopped me from thinking properly. I was scared because he was right, no matter how close we we’re right now, it had to stay in this apartment. This was our safe haven, our hideout, a place where we could dream and ignore the rest of the world until we had to leave…again.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m not.”

My brows furrowed, how could he not be here, I could see him…here, right in front of me. “I can see you.”

“Don’t you wonder why you’re the only one?”

 

Fear struck me across the chest.

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

“Loki!”

 

The god’s head popped out of the kitchen as I fumbled around the bedroom. The apartment was small and open; every room flowed into another except the bathroom. We separated some rooms with bookshelves filled with things we found, made or bought.

 

“Have you seen my-Is that my tie?”

 

He giggled with delight as he ran away from my clutches; he desperately tried to free himself but gave in as I kissed his neck.

 

“That’s underhanded, darling!”

 

I simply hummed in response and wrapped my arms tighter against around his waist.

 

“Darling, as lonely as I’ll be, you need to get moving.”

 

Reluctantly, I pulled away as Loki removed the knot of my tie around his hair, letting the loose curls frame his face. I couldn’t help but place a kiss on his lips. He steadily wrapped the tie around my neck and kissed my lips as he tightened the knot.

 

The phone vibrated on the coffee table, Stark’s name on the caller ID. Why would he be calling Loki? Did he know, he couldn’t have but its Stark…does SHIELD know? I could feel my body shaking, my breath shortening.

 

“Darling, what’s-”

 

The phone was quickly snatched away from my hands and replaced with blood. I fell back, my back hitting the coffee table. I stared at my lover, blood pouring out of his chest, face oozing with death.

 

“I didn’t do it! I didn’t! I swear, I swear!”

 

Cold hands covered my shaking ones. “Steve! Steve, calm down!”

 

My vision went blank and the last thing I heard was distorted voices of several people.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

By the time I came back to my senses my head was pounding like a series of nuclear bombs going off one after the other. I quickly shut my eyes as I heard footsteps coming towards me.

“Look, you gotta tell us what the hell you did to him or else how are we suppose to take care of him?”

 

Tony’s voice, my fingers twitched.

 

“That’s classified, Stark.”

 

Fury, what was the Director doing here? Idiot, you’re part of the Avengers obviously he’ll be here.

 

“Believe me when I say that I will not only find out what you have done but also reveal all your intel to the world. I have kept silent because you have said that the Captain is fine-”

 

“But! But, this has been going on for months! You know that Bruce can help so why don’t you just open your mouth and spill it one eyed man.”

 

“And you need to keep your mouth shut.”

 

“Only when you open yours.”

 

Pain overtook my body and I felt every control I had disappearing. Bright light disorientated my vision as I opened them; prickling pain probed my head as I screamed.

 

“Loki stop!”

 

Something crashed and fell but I ignored that and focused on what Tony had said. Loki was here, oh god, he was here with Fury. They know, they know. He needs to run; I need to give him time but how? I pulled against my restraints and cried even louder as they magnetically pulled me back down. Still I continued to pull.

 

“Loki run!” I crackled.

 

A sharp object prickled my skin before I withered into unconsciousness again.

 

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

Groggily, I walked out of my room in the Avengers tower and proceeded to kitchen. My team members startled me out of my daze, catching me on a half yawn. Tony’s head fell hard on the countertop, Clint was lazily eating his bowl of cereals and nodding off to sleep, and Thor gobbled up more toast and grinned at my direction. Natasha and Bruce on the other hand were reading a newspaper with a cup of coffee each.  I checked the kettle and proceeded to making my cup of black coffee along with earl grey tea. I stared hard at the other mug not knowing who it was for until I realized there was an unfamiliar face in the room.

 

“Tea?”

 

The woman flashed her brilliant smile at my direction and wrapped both hands on the mug.

“So…did something happen?”

 

Tony’s head shot up, dark circles clearly visible. “We know about Loki.”

 

“Uh, d’uh? We fought him.”

 

Thor placed his hand on the tense shoulder of the unknown woman.

 

“No, you’re having sex with him!”

“Tony!”

“What it’s true!”

“Not really how we planned to break the news.”

 

I probably wasn’t supposed to laugh since they began to stare at me in a strange way. “Is he drunk or high?”

“Steve, he’s…” Banner looked at Natasha for help and the spider steadily put her mug down before looking at me straight in the eye.

 

“Loki.”

 

Gold shimmered in the room and the unknown woman turned into the very psychopathic alien I fought in Germany and helped capture in New York. Muscles within my body tensed and I eyed the nearest weapon I could find but decided against it. Here he was sitting with the Avengers as if he was part of the team. Did I miss something? Don’t tell me I fell asleep for more than I should have again? Fear made my body tremble and I felt physically sick as bile tried to find its way out.

 

 

|| x ||

 

 

 

“Steve, relax, don’t fight the machine.”

 

How could I not? This was terrifying! How could this even exist? It seemed awfully inhumane and the fact that it has been used on Coulson just irked me. Curiosity won me over, I obviously missed something important if Loki was actually here arguing over Tony about science and Bruce calming the two down.

 

“Can’t you just use your magic to access that part of his memory?” Everybody stared at Clint as the man shrugged. “I’m just saying, it might be easier.”

 

“No.” Loki’s eyes met mine. “It’ll be too dangerous. I have gotten lost in a person’s mind before; I’d rather not do it again.”

 

Tony was beaming and Bruce looked visibly interested.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

I nodded in response to Natasha’s question. My eyes gently closed as I welcomed whatever the machine was going to throw at my way.

 

“Is there a way to see what he can see?” That was Natasha’s voice, I smiled, knowing they were still there.

 

“I will try.”

 

As soon as Loki said those words a rush of energy entered my mind. Blood. Blood. Blood. More blood, too much, please.

 

“I didn’t mean to! I really-I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

 

“Loki get him to focus on something else, the machine’s going off grid!”

 

Once again I felt cold hands enveloping mine. I know this touch, this feeling. Loki began singing a song I was too familiar with.

 

“We were strangers, starting out on a journey. Never dreaming what we'd have to go through. Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing at the beginning with you.”  
  
 _“You shouldn’t be here.”_

 _“I’m not.”_  
  
“No one told me I was going to find you. Unexpected. What you did to my heart, when I lost hope you were there to remind me. This is the start.”

 

_“I can see you.”_

_“Don’t you wonder why you’re the only one?”_  
  
“And...”

 

Loki’s singing began to falter, his voice cracking as more words poured out of his mouth. Don’t cry, don’t cry. I’m here. I laced my fingers with his to sooth him as much as I could.

 

_“Happy Valentine’s Day, darling!”_

_“How did you know-”_

_“Pepper told me, she also taught me how to make a cake. Natasha approved so I’m pretty sure I did well.”_

_“Looks tasty.”_

_“Just the cake?”_

_“Loki we have to go!”_

_“Why must we? I’ve run all my life! You told me I wouldn’t have to, not anymore!”_

_“I’m trying to protect you!”_

_“By tossing me aside? Don’t make me laugh! I’m staying here with you, we can fight them together!”_

_“No. let me talk to them, alone.”_

My grip tightened on Loki’s hand, clinging on to anything I possibly could. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

A soothing hand gently stroke my hair, cold lips kissed my knuckles.  
  
“Life is a road and I want to keep going. Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing. Life is a road. Now and forever, wonderful journey.”

 

Blood, blood. Why is there so much blood? Everything was moving too fast, I couldn’t hear anything properly, my head was throbbing. Somebody please stop before I-

 

“Loki! Oh god, oh god…Stay back! I said stay back!” No! I didn’t mean to! Oh god, Loki, open your eyes, open your eyes!

 

_“Get away from the body, Captain.”_

 

I remember staring at them, eyes filled with tears. “Save him!” They made no action to move. They didn’t care, didn’t care he was bleeding out on the floor and it was because of me.  
  
“I'll be there when the world stops turning…”

I focused on Loki’s singing, he was here, and he’s alive.

 

A shot fired, hitting my hand, the gun fell on the floor only to be picked up by the other. My hand was trembling, trembling like hell.

 

_“You’ll never be alone, I promised.”_

“I'll be there when the storm is through. In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you.”

I shook in a series of spasms as the sound of the trigger being pulled rang in my head. I shot myself...in the head but how did I surviv-

 

“STOP! STOP!”  

 

“Steve, Steve…” You’re making him cry, stop! Lokilokilokiloki. I’m fine.

 

The rest of the team fussed over me even after I was calm or felt calm at least. That night I woke up to the silent beeping of the machine. The wind was calm enough to not have to wear a jumper but still cold against my bare chest, maybe I should’ve worn a shirt at least. A tingling sensation travelled down my spine as a pair of arms steadily wrapped itself around my waist.

 

“They messed with my head.”

“As I have the first time we met again.”

“Are we…together?”

“I’m afraid so.”

 

This made me turn around; I looked up at the man I once fought. The alien who commanded me to kneel the first time we met. I looked at him and noticed the changes, noticed the way his eyes lit up whenever our eyes meet. It frustrated me that I couldn’t fully remember it, not knowing how much of the snippets of memory or dream were actually real. Once again I missed a great deal of things. I imagined just how hard it must’ve been for him to stay by my side as I remember Fury saying it has been going on for months after that event. Wondered why he didn’t just leave but I think deep down I knew why. Honestly, I was terrified, scared that maybe I was brainwashed like Clint. Scared that SHIELD saw and replaced more than they should but I couldn’t stay there, I didn’t want to so I moved forward, took that one little step.

 

“Can we…start over?” I looked at him with pleading eyes; a smile appeared on the god’s face.

**Author's Note:**

> Whooo finally finished writing it...hope it was alright?


End file.
